Why Don't Client's Change? Pattern #3 Part 6
And the third one?
Did you like that dramatic pause that is prettyluke
good weren't it! it was the the maybe man. The
maybe man. I'm not to be sexist. We can put woman
right but the maybe man phenomenon. And here's
the maybe man phenomenon. Luke, I've got anxiety.
Hey, on a scale of zero to 10, when you think about
that thing that makes you anxious, where are
you at right now? Ohh, it's an 8 or 9. OK. And I
want you to put your hands together and just
imagine they're stuck. They're glued together.
Ohh yeah luke, I'll try. I'm gonna really try
and do that. Are you going to be able to listen
to the recording over the next week? You'll
be able to do that, won't you? Maybe. Maybe. And.
Just did some phenomenon. Your fingers are
coming together, but their fingers don't come together.
Now we know in hypnosis this is not, this is not real hypnosis.
If you just keep your fingers out there for the
finger Vice, eventually, physiologically
those fingers are come together. So whenever
I do with that with clients, I'm not looking
to see how hypnotizable they are. I'm looking
to see who's resisting. Because if someone
keeps their fingers and they don't close. After
about 30 seconds or less, I know they're actively
consciously resisting the process and we have a problem.
So if I see that with a client. Or I'm we're not
moving as fast as I want things to move with a
tapping modality or anything else I'll say
to them rather than not call attention to it.
It not working right because as hypnotists,
we don't want to be exposed. Holy shit, what
if what if it doesn't work? I'm going to look
like a failure, right? I'm going to look a fake
and then I go into it. Hey, what just happened
there? What do you mean? Look your fingers.
It didn't come together did they? Ohh no. But
then next it's a weird thing. They start to try
and fight for me at that point ohh no. But I felt
and tried to come together. But let's let's
be honest, they they they didn't come together
did they? A no, I guess not. So I know they're
actively fighting at that point. Again, I'll
say to them. So I'm just curious. That's interested in interest.
I come in with the curiosity frame. It's interesting.
What were you doing on the inside of your head
when I asked you to imagine, in a way that feels
right for you, that you've got the world 's most
powerful magnet strapped to the inside of those
fingers? And when I snap my fingers, they're
going to come together all by themselves. Watch it.
Don't fight it. When I asked you to do that, what
we doing? I don't know. What do you mean you don't
know? You just did it 30 seconds ago. How? How
can you not know your internal experience of
30 seconds ago? That's the maybe man pattern
that not following the instructions. How can
they not know what they literally did 30 seconds
ago? But I've hypnotist change workers. Well, ohh shit.
You know what? Let's go into something else.
This is not going to work. I go straight in. No, no.
What happened? You must you must know what was
going on inside your head. So what were you doing?
Were you imagining the magnets? I know they
weren't doing what I asked them to do. Um, no.
So what were you doing? I was just saying to myself,
this isn't gonna work. This isn't gonna work. This.
Ohh thank you. That's great. So you were saying
this isn't gonna work. This isn't gonna work.
This isn't gonna work. And it didn't work. Congratulations.
So do you wanna follow some instructions in?
You already know it doesn't work, but do you
wanna follow some instructions now that can
help you get out of this problem? Well, sure.
So you really want to drill in if someone says,
hey, so that anxiety is your where's your anxiety?
Zero to 10. I'll look, it's it's it's it's between
the seven and the 10. No. What number is it between
7 and 10 now? I want to get the number specific.
I want them to specifically give me a number
right? Well, I'm going to try to do this. No,
no do it or don't do it. Like Yoda says, there
is no try. Either do what you say you're gonna
do or stop the struggle and then don't do it and
be OK with it. But but don't try. Ohh well, well,
well like maybe maybe no, I've, I've, I've made a decision.
You're going to do it or don't. Either is fine but
I make them get off the fence to make a decision
about what they want to do because the more the
direct they can be. With their change and the
clearer that they can be with how their change
looks or feels or or or sounds to them and the
more change that they can get. Example is I used
to have really difficult problem with clients
would come in and they wouldn't have a problem
that I could just label. All right label sometimes
our useful for what we do and they might come
in if the smoker wants to quit smoking. Fantastic.
It's pretty clear what they want to do. The porn
addicts addicted to porn. They want to stop
being addicted and watching porn. It's pretty
clear what they want to do, but when the client
comes in, it's like welcome, have an extra sectional.
It's easy for me to say crisis in my life right now.
Can you help me? What the hell does that mean?
There's nothing specific in that. So what does
what does that mean? If I come and give you a hug,
you're going to feel better. We fixed it. If
you go on a vacation or buy an expensive car,
does that fix it? I have no idea. I didn't know
what the problem is. It's just that really drilling in.
Why are you here? What specifically is your
problem? What? What do you want to heal now?
Oftentimes? Another example, who here works
with smokers to help quit smoking? One person.
Alright, that's two people. Interesting.
So the smoker comes in, they're calling me,
right? Because they wanna quit smoking. They've
given me all their reasons. So that's the problem.
That's the jenga block that I think that I'm
trying to do can get rid of, right? Go through
the screening call and at the end I ask ask an
interesting question. They're coming to stop
smoking, and at the end I, I say to them.
The question I say to them is.
I know this sounds dumb given what we've been
speaking about for the last 45 minutes. We're
about 45 minutes into the screening call before I take one as a client and notice may sound a little bit stupid given what we've been speaking about for 45 minutes.
I've been speaking about smoking. But what
specifically do you want my help with?
They want to quit smoking. Then they say, you
know, Luke, I just want freedom in my life. I
just wanna be older, be older and be there for my kids.
I just wanna be able to breathe more. I just wanna
have more money in my bank account. I just don't
wanna feel scared anymore.
Different set of problems. Different set of problems.
So I've had clients that came in as a smoker and
I treat them as a smoker to quit smoking. and
i delivered on what they initially came in as
and a few weeks later i'd email and i would say
how's he doing how you doing and there'd be like
luke you're not so great so i'd imagine they
started smoking again send them another email
ohh i'm sorry to hear that what's going on how
many smoking now ohh no i'm not smoking anymore
it had nothing to do with you though just decided
surprisingly after thirty years after the
session that i wanted to quit smoking
But, but yeah, nothing to do. If you have quit it.
I don't feel any better. I don't feel anymore freedom.
I don't feel anymore happier. But I've dealt
with the problem. They were coming in with this,
but what they really wanted were this. They
were coming in with the presenting problem.
I want to quit smoking. But really what they
wanted this, and there's a few different ways
that they could have got freedom is a few different
ways that they could have feel satisfaction,
a few different ways they could have increased
their cardiovascular system. Didn't have
to be anything about the cigarette. But if I
don't deliver this and I only deliver on the
outcome with them helping them to quit smoking
and none of this stuff is attached. They think
I'm a phoney. They think I'm a fraud. They don't
refer me and they think they failed. Sounds
ridiculous, right? I've had clients that generally
didn't quit smoking. That's why they came in.
But they left and they continually felt a sense
of freedom and more money in the bank, whatever
their whatever they really wanted me to help with.
And then they referred me to all of their friends
and it never made sense to me. I got your result,
you told no one about me and you were unhappy
I didn't deliver a result to you and you've just
referred your whole family to me. It didn't make sense.
But it's the maybe man, maybe woman phenomenon.
You really wanna key in getting specific it's
an 8 or A 9 and make them answer. I don't know what
I was feeling. How can you not know? Tell me what
you were doing inside your head so you can troubleshoot
and find out what they what they really want
to never accept, try, never accept, maybe never
accept woolly answers because then when change
happens, it's a bit woolly. Well, I think I kind
of almost sort of feel a bit better. But I don't
know now you either feel better than when you first.
Team in there or or or you didn't. That's it.
It's a really, really wanna lock into that.
So that's the third pattern.